Well son of a...

OMG you guys. This whole, having a full time job thing, is like, way totally hard.

I teach six classes a semester. That's not a typo. I also direct the university's speech team, for which I get exactly zero hours of release time. So, actually...

OMG you guys. This whole, having two full time jobs thing (while only getting paid for one), is like, way totally hard.

In practice, all this means that cooking has turned into a soulless assembly line worthy of dystopian fiction.

From the silent classic, Metropolis, the title of which naturally amuses the hell out of me.

(Image via the Film History and Aesthetics Wiki)

So for spring break I went a little berserk, giddy with the freedom to fix proper meals using proper vegetables. Mostly I went for favorites, which already have pages on this site. Like, beef fajitas, pork chops, and breakfast burritos.

However, I also set myself the goal of cooking something I'd never blogged. I've got it! Chicken Parmesan.

Except...

I am a dumbass.

So I guess I'm off the hook for a detailed rundown of my supposedly ambitious dinner. Instead let me tell you about a couple of products I've discovered in the past year.

Alma's whole grain pasta

  

I switched to whole grain pasta a while ago, but only just discovered this kind. I tried to take a picture of the ingredients, but it turns out tiny text is outside my camera's skill set. So I'll just list them here.

• Whole grain semolina
• Water

Seriously. That's it. 

But what really sold me on these noodles is their flavor. It's hard to describe, but they're delicious. They have a sweet, kind of nutty thing going on. They don't even need sauce. I routinely serve them lightly tossed with basil wilted in olive oils. Oh, and Parmesan cheese. I don't think I've ever served a noodle without some kind of cheese.

They're comparable in price to the name-brand pastas, and so far I've used the spaghetti, linguine, and penne. All. Amazing.

Next up:

Alessi mixed whole peppercorns.

Also, do you love the breading mix in the background? I had such grand plans... 

The mixed peppercorns add a depth of flavor you just can't get out of McCormick ground black pepper. And because you grind it up as you need it, they don't lose their flavor as quickly.

Finally, just because I took the time to take this picture - which was hard because I was freaking starving...

Remember, no points for plating in my house.

So there you go. If I ever have time to cook properly again, I'll do my best to share it here.

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I love these guys...

Some way or other, I recently found my way to The Food Blog, maintained by Bruce Weinstein and Mark Scarbrough. These are the guys behind the book Real Food Has Curves, which is totally going in my letter to Santa this year.

First of all, they crack me up. And they seem to share a good chunk of my personal food philosophy. Need recipes? Laughs? Inspiration? Check them out...

In this post, Mark talks about how to distinguish between processed foods (like proper cheese or cold-pressed olive oil) and "processed foods" (like cheese food product and refined olive oil). The difference boils down to the ingredients and the -- ahem -- process, used to create a packaged item.

As we keep saying, "convenience shouldn't be discounted, just examined."

And while we're on it, the olive oil in that [pizza] crust is processed. No doubt. The olives are pressed. But Bruce and I use only "first cold-pressed olive oil." If you use olive oil from "refined olives," it means the manufacturer used chemical solvents to extract the oil from inferior or unripe olives. What was merely processed food suddenly became "processed food." (If that makes any sense.)

They advocate careful label reading -- basically comparing an item's ingredients to what a person would use making it at home. Simple, right? And it helps so much in the kitchen. It's much harder to screw up a dish if you start out with quality ingredients. Nature makes delicious things; it's the job of the cook to get out of the way.

The whole discussion makes me think of something my cousin Wannie once told me: "I got to reading about all those preservatives, and I thought, it's like they're trying to embalm me before I die." Both hilarious and on point.

Red beans and rice tonight, which I haven't made in ages. I'll let y'all know how it turns out...

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At least we get to eat

Ok, so, as promised, bright side. Pity party time is over. Switch on the ugly lights and pay the violin band. Ain't gotta go home but ya can't stay here... Important stuff to do.

Like, solving the calorie problem for the next four days. We may not have money, but surprise! We do have food. I made a careful inventory of the cupboards Saturday night and it turns out, at least we ain't going hungry. Here are some highlights.

• Proteins: chicken breasts, pork chops, ground beef, tuna
• Carbs: flour, sugar, pasta, rice
• Fats: mayo, butter, peanut butter, and about 5 kinds of oil

• Other: beans, eggs, onions, garlic


We've also got some American slices and shredded cheddar cheese. And of course there's my considerable stash of herbs and spices. I'm pretty confident I can squeeze eight meals out of what's here. We've already had some fried rice, pancakes, and buttery noodles. (Not together. That's disgusting.) It'll be good for me, having to get all creative. Kind of an at-home edition of Chopped.

I foresee chicken quesadillas, red beans and rice, and tuna pasta salad for sure. Beyond that? I'll be winging it. There's a big pile of change on the dresser where Doug always empties his pockets. With that I'm pretty sure I can get a half-gallon of milk, which opens up some shells and cheese possibilities. That'll be yummy.

And yeah, I know, there aren't any veggies on that list. What can I tell you? This is when buying fresh bites you square in the ass. I haven't bought canned vegetables in ages. And since it's summer I don't have any frozen stuff on hand either. I found a bag of salad greens and some croutons. Make a little dressing and we're good to go.

Simple Italian Dressing

What I used:

• 3/4 cup olive oil
• 1/2 cup red balsamic vinegar
• 1 tbsp shredded Parmesan
• 2 small garlic cloves, minced
• 1/4 tsp each of salt, sugar, and Italian seasoning
• 1/2 tsp dried oregano
• 1/8 tsp each of paprika and black pepper

It doesn't get any easier than this. I have a cruet specifically for salad dressing, but any ol' bottle will totally work. Dump in everything, shake well, and pop in the fridge for at least an hour. Taste and re-season to your personal preference. It's probably worth mentioning that I'd ordinarily use 1/2 tbsp each of Parmesan and Romano, but that would violate the rules of my at-home Chopped challenge.

Tonight I'm fixing a couple of pork chops and some garlic cheddar mashed potatoes. That, with the salad, ought to make it feel like we're not broke at all. *Fingers crossed*

So it's looking to be a lively week here on Popcorn. Invent-a-meal seems like a fun game to play on the interwebs. This blog brings me a lot of joy. Do y'all realize that? I thank you for reading along with a crazy lady's ramblings.


Edited June 22: I wrote this up yesterday while the dressing was still chilling in the fridge.

Dude. Just check out that color!

When I took it out to taste it, I decided it was just too heavy, and a little too sweet. This is no doubt a result of using a fancy cold-pressed olive oil and that strong tasting red balsamic. I ended up adding about 1/4 cup of water, and a little more salt before serving.

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In praise of local honey

Please bear with me as I share a little story.

I'm enjoying one of my Saturday visits to the SKY Farmer's Market last summer. (They should be up and running, BTW. If you're close to Bowling Green, I really hope you'll check them out!)

Anyway, in amongst the yummy fruits and vegetables, I find a table full of honey. I've never seen anything like it before. It has this deep red color -- like a garnet held up to the light -- as opposed to the brownish look of supermarket honey. It's a shade more expensive than the Kroger brand I usually buy, but I cannot resist.

 See what I mean about the color?

I take the jar home and get in it immediately. I have awesome self control like that. It's different, kind of... minty? And thicker than the store brand, more appropriate to spoon than pour.

A while later Doug comes home, and he's all, "Local honey, huh? Is that for your allergies?"

Buh-wha? Allergies?

"Oh yeah," he continues. "My sister had really bad allergies until a woman from church told her to try local honey."

Well I could see the logic. Allergies come from a misguided immune response, when the body takes pollen for a dangerous invader. Honey comes from pollen. Duhhhh. So consuming it every day should sort of, teach the body that the stuff is harmless. Rather like an allergy shot, only WAY more delicious.

Fast-forward to fall. I have suffered from miserable allergies, every spring and fall, my entire life. That changed a few years back when Claritin-D went over the counter. But I never much cared for the Claritin. It made me kinda jittery and interfered with my sleep. Boo.

Not in fall 2009. I didn't have to take any Claritin. Honestly. Not even one. I'd have never believed it if I hadn't lived it. Happily, I stocked up on Kentucky honey before the market shut down. And finding Georgia honey was a major priority once we got ourselves settled here.

Now? Allergy season is in full swing. Doug is a sniffly, sneezy, crabby piece of crab. And I admit, I'm having a few sneezes and a touch of sore throat. I figure I didn't switch to Georgia honey soon enough for the full effect.

Best part, though? Guilt-free indulgence in the sweet tooth!

I feel like a giant jerk for failing to write this up at least a month ago. If you're suffering already, it's probably too late for local honey to do any good. But think of it this way. We've got a whole summer's worth of farmer's markets coming, during which we can all stock up for fall!

No foolin

April is National Poetry Writing Month, or NaPoWriMo if you're hip to the lingo. Which I obviously am not. This will be the first year I take on this challenge. Don't expect me to share a new poem every day; I don't expect to come up with anything fit to share every day. But I'll try to throw out a few. Anybody reading this planning to poem it up this month too?

Poetry is man's rebellion against being what he is.  ~James Branch Cabell

Spoiled. Rotten.

Not food, mercifully! Just lil ol me. For my sweet, thoughtful momma has hooked me up with the ultimate home-cooking luxury...

Behold!

I have wanted one of these badboys for probably 15 years. It's something I doubt I would ever have bought for myself. Courtney was writing about hers not long before Christmas, and I guess I got to raving about it when I was home for the holidays.

I'd totally forgotten that conversation until my phone rang, about midnight last Sunday. I ran to grab it, because shit man. A call at that hour usually means somebody's either hurt or needs bail money. Not this time!

MOM: Honey, can you turn on QVC?

ME: Uh, hang on. Doug's watching the basketball. I may have to negotiate.

MOM: Tell him Momma says this is important!

(Negotiations ensue.)

ME: Ok, I have it on... Wait... Are you kidding me...?

(Mixers gleam in the studio lights, like heaven on a counter top.)

MOM: Are those the mixers you were talking about?

ME: (dreamily) Yeah...

I've used the phrase blown away before, but never was it more appropriate. She put the smackdown all my, "Honestly, Mom, I really don't need it," objections, even though they were true. I've gotten along a-okay all these years, but OMG I sure did want one. And now it has arrived. I feel extremely, unspeakably grateful.

So! Let the baking commence! I am celebrating with a project right out of the owner's manual: Quick Yellow Cake.

I will never mess with Duncan Hines again.

When Doug got home, he got to use it too, for his legendary homemade frosting. The recipe comes from the Hershey's cocoa box:

Chocolate Buttercream Frosting

• 1 stick butter
• 2/3 cup unsweetened cocoa
• 3 cups powdered sugar
• 1/3 cup milk
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

The box says melt the butter, but he has better results just bringing it to room temperature. Stir in the cocoa, then alternately add powdered sugar and milk, beating to spreading consistency. Add a small amount of additional milk, if it gets too thick. Stir in vanilla. Makes about 2 cups. 

Also? I had to run out and buy vanilla ice cream. I mean, obviously.

You'd never know it's not my birthday.

At risk of gushing past the point of appropriateness, I wanted to throw this in too. See, when the UPS guy delivered the mixer, he brought two boxes to the door. I assumed the smaller one was the mixer's cover. Oh but no!

Surprise! I told you. Spoiled. Rotten.

I've also never had a proper tea kettle before. Since my college days in the dorms, I've used a Pyrex measuring cup to boil my water in the microwave. I feel so fancy now!

Thank you, Mom.

All boys, report to the gym

That's code, from my middle-school days, for "we're going to talk about periods." Eewww...

It's not very feminist or body-positive of me, but I totally hate my period. I hate PMS, I hate bloating, I hate cramping, I hate bleeding. I hate scrubbing underwear, jeans, and bedsheets. I hate cravings, I hate exhaustion, hate hate hate!

Deep breath... Okay, so, on to how this rant belongs in any way on a food blog. A bit of background first:

I started cooking for realsies last August, in response to being unemployed. Knowing we'd need to cut back on our spending, I decided I'd contribute as much domestic labor as possible. Holler Marxist feminists! Celebrate use value! And it freakin worked. We eat better than ever, and spend about half as much money. Farmers markets, sale bills, and coupons make fresh ingredients more affordable than processed meals. It was either that or go back to tuna fish and ramen noodles. Come on, man. We're in our 30's.

What I didn't expect were some of the health effects. Stupid, right? I mean, I figured we'd feel better, have more energy, maybe lose some weight. And all those things came true, to varying degree. Here's what surprised me. My period.

I used to endure half my life in hormone hell. I'd have a week of nasty, nasty PMS. Tight clothes? Check. Lack of energy? Check. Bitchiness? Speak-to-me-and-I'll-tear-your-lips-off. Then, in the next week, I could look forward to three solid days of debilitating pain. I swear I have two wrinkles on my forehead that are strictly from cramp-cringing. Oh, and heavy bleeding for another four days after that.

Last September, I had a super light, easy period. Only mild PMS, only one day of pain, and only three days of ugly underwear. Score! The next month(s), the same thing. It wasn't til December that I put it all together.

Say... I wonder if the eating better has solved some of my period problems. Duh Misty. Just... duh.

It's now come to the point that I barely even have PMS. Which, actually kind of sucks, because my period sneaks up on me. I guess I need to learn to look for smaller signs. Like, feeling weepy at the Cold Case rerun I was barely watching. As opposed to, chewing my husband's face off for folding a sweater the wrong way. His sweater.

I'm not saying all this to gloat. In fact, it feels more like self-justification. Know what else I hate? Well, lots of things, but snobbery's a big one. And now I'm becoming a food snob. But I can't turn back! A tenth of my life in hormonal hell is SO much less awful than half.

Oh and, I still hate my period. Hate hate hate. But I'm grateful to have a lot less to hate on.

Bless you Chef Kerr

In my teens I was obsessed with Chef Graham Kerr's eponymous TV show. Now, once upon a time, Chef Kerr had been known as the Galloping Gourmet.

Photo credit: the Everett Collection, via Watching What We Eat

The GG was an advocate of local, fresh, and seasonal ingredients. However, his recipes all called for mountains of butter, cream, and fat, and virtual rivers of wine. I looked him up on Wikipedia and found this marvelous tidbit:

He was once called the "Most Dangerous Man in America" from the Heart and Stroke Foundation due to his high fat, high calorie recipes featured on his influential cooking programme.

Flash forward to the 90's. Graham is getting to middle age, and his wife has survived a heart attack. He develops a new show in which he re-imagines old GG recipes with a healthier bent. To this day, I credit the Graham Kerr show with my love of garlic and cilantro, and my general aversion to heavy salt.

This is all just background to set up my latest experiment.

Let me start by saying, I love ranch dressing. LOVE it. Pizza, chips, veggies, gimme some. I am also a total ranch snob. I pick restaurants based on the quality of their ranch. I do not like low-fat ranch. It's usually watery, and that fake fat they use can cause, er, let's say digestive complications.

I gave up the bottled stuff in favor of packets last summer. It's tastier and way cheaper, but get this. It calls for a cup of mayonnaise. You heard right, a CUP! Do you know how gross a cup of mayonnaise looks in a bowl? I do.

Thinking on this, I remembered a trick Chef Kerr used to use all the time: substitute strained yogurt. He used it in place of cream cheese, sour cream, mayo -- just about any rich, fat-laden dairy-type product. So I gave it a try. Why not, right?

What you need:

• Plain yogurt (important: NOT vanilla)
• Cheese cloth (available from any fabric store; I used 2 yards)
• Large mixing bowl
• Large strainer (I used my flour sifter)

Ok, all you need to do is, fold up the cheese cloth and use it to line your strainer.

 Here's where I thought, maybe the sifter wasn't the best choice.

Put the strainer over your mixing bowl, and dump in the yogurt.

 

Here's where I was sure. Gotta get a proper strainer.

Wrap the whole thing in plastic, put it in the fridge, and forget about it for several hours, or even better, overnight.

 Glass bowl is important so the plastic wrap will stick.

While you're off doing all the other shit you gotta do, the whey will be draining through the cheese cloth and into the bowl. Note: the yogurt will lose about half its volume through this process, so adjust your measurements accordingly.

I'm usually vehemently anti-waste, but I couldn't think of a thing I could do with yogurt-whey. I just discarded it.

 Any ideas for using this?

What's left behind in the strainer is the solid part of the yogurt. I was amazed. It was fluffy and thick, almost like whipped cream cheese.

See where this is going? I substituted the yogurt solids for mayo in my ranch. With deep trepidation, I gave it a taste...

 Don't judge. My hands were clean!

Are you kidding me?! YUM!! I think I like this better than mayo! Who knew? Well, I guess Graham Kerr knew, like 20 years ago. I busted out some celery sticks and ate some right out of the bowl. Couldn't resist.

 Momma's got a brand new ranch, y'all!

Some numbers, in case you're curious.

• One cup of plain yogurt has 150 calories, 8g fat.
• One cup of mayo? A ridiculous 1440 calories, 160g fat.
• This way, the entire bowl of dressing had 360 calories, 13g fat.
• A 2-tablespoon serving has roughly 22 calories and less than 1g fat.
• By way of comparison, with mayo a serving has 103 calories, 10g fat.

If I may belabor the obvious, there's room for trimming these numbers even more. Using 1% or skim milk would help, as would a nonfat yogurt. I might actually try nonfat next time. I'm feeling brave now.

One last tip from my inspiration, the erstwhile Galloping Gourmet. Try to avoid yogurt with gelatin added; it apparently interferes with the straining process.

I'll be experimenting with this trick some more. If any of y'all do, please comment and let us know how it goes!

Monitor misses the point, foodie friends

I used this title even though "foodie" makes me bristle. Yeah, I try to eat as fresh and local as possible. But for me, it's a matter of cost and taste. I reject the political (canvas) baggage.

Christian Science Monitor: No more dinner parties?

Remember the good old days, when you threw a dinner party and all you had to worry about was finding a topic everyone could talk about? Now, you have a much harder task: to find a dish everyone can eat.

Two culprits bear the blame: the rise of food allergies in America, and food writer Michael Pollan.

First, I also hate Michael Pollan. Yes, his content has merit; it's his style I can't stomach. His smug-sanctimonious attitude just sparks rebellion among normal people. When fresh-and-local sounds all douchey and inaccessible, we cut folks off from those cost and taste benefits I enjoy. Environmental and economic factors are just gravy. (Mmmm... Gravy...)

Otherwise, though, I disagree. Differences in how people eat give me pure inspiration!

A kosher-keeping house guest first tested my boundaries in college. If I'd had any idea how tasty that vegetarian pasta sauce was going to turn out, I'd sure as hell have saved the recipe.

A gluten- and lactose-intolerant family member partly drove me to start this blog. Lots of my regular dishes already meet those requirements, or could do so with minor alteration. For example...

• Mashed potatoes: substitute chicken broth for the milk and butter. Hell go hardcore and make it with veggie broth!
• Chili with cornbread: use rice or soy milk in the cornbread batter.
  
• Chicken fajitas: serve corn tortillas. Full stop.

Simple, right?

(Although... it may likewise be smug and sanctimonious to link to one's own blog. Also, to call oneself "one.")

All's I'm sayin' is, when we cook, we have a choice. We can be food-grumps, or we can be daring.

What inspires y'all to try new dishes?