A Banner Day of Baking

You know, you'd think one day I might submit/admit to just sucking at sweets. Today was not that day.

Attempt #1: Chocolate Oatmeal Cookies

To start with, I was stoked for this project. My sister-in-law fixes these for the colonel, and he absolutely loves them. So when I found two different recipes that looked promising, I set out to do a scientific experiment: fix a small batch of each and do a blind taste test. Little did I know...

When I opened my box of oats and found it almost empty, I should have just stopped right there.

Pictured: Not a large bowl

This doesn't do the situation much justice, but here you see only one cup of oats. Each of the two recipes calls for three cups. "Bah!" said I. "I know my measurement conversions. I'll just be even more science-y!" It was legal pad time.

Pictured: Science! (or maybe not, it turns out)

It all came out totally manageable except for the 1/6 cup of sugar and 1/6 of a stick of butter. And even the sugar was workable using a variation of the jugs-in-the-park trick from Die Hard With A Vengeance.

In case, inexplicably, you forgot

 Or in my case, measure 1/2 cup of sugar, then remove 1/3 cup from that (3/6 - 2/6 = 1/6). Eureka!

I was just gonna have to eyeball the butter, though. Anyway here's a lovely shot of the sugar, butter, milk, and cocoa bubbling away on the stove. That shit is delicious, by the way.

Mmmm

The only difference between the above two recipes is, one includes peanut butter, and one does not. So I did the whole process twice and set my lovely sheet of no-bake cookies aside to set. (Cue ominous music.)

They did not set.

Pictured: Not cookies

That's with peanut butter on the left, and plain chocolate on the right. I dunno, maybe I got my conversions wrong, or maybe I've angered the confection gods. Given the rest of this post, I feel like either or both are possible. Screw it...

Attempt #1: Chocolate Oatmeal Cookies Chewy Chocolate Oatmeal Bites

Yeah, that's the ticket. They really are good to eat, all gooey and chocolatey and (half) peanut buttery and tasty. But I really wanted cookies, dammit!

Attempt #2: Chocolate Surprise Cookies

This recipe is an old favorite that I've not made in ages. They're super easy and totally delicious. Just follow the link right there and have a ball.

Pictured: Not a disaster

Except, about half of them epoxied themselves to the baking sheets. I've never had that problem with these cookies before.

Pictured: More not cookies

I wonder: What's the appropriate sacrifice to appease a confection god? I'm going to say a shot of whiskey, and sacrifice it down the hatch.

Disinclined to waste such a quantity of yumminess, I pondered until I found a solution. And like so many of life's problems, that solution was ice cream.

You know where this is going.

Attempt #3: Chocolate Surprise Milkshakes

And wouldn't you know I jobbed that up too? In my defense, the last time I made a milkshake was an experiment involving Bailey's Irish Cream, circa 1997. Too much milk, the solution to which was even more ice cream -- to the extent I had to bust out these humongous glasses.

Another three cookies gave their lives for the garnish.

I can't even explain how awesome those milkshakes turned out. The whole experience reminds me of something my grade school art teacher used to say: "There are no mistakes."

At least, I guess, where there's chocolate involved.

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It's World Baking Day

Okay, I admit this is a lame, fake "holiday," (hilariously) sponsored by a lame, fake dairy product (Country Crock, if you're curious). But I'll take any excuse to stock the house with sweets!

So very sweet

In this case, I was looking at the remnants of a 3-pound bag of gala apples. I fried up a few to go with some pork chops a week or so back, and I was getting desperate for ways to use up the rest. The problem is, they aren't very tasty on their own -- call it a cautionary tale about out-of-season impulse buys.

Lucky for me, I found a super-simple recipe for apple oatmeal crisp. Bonus: I had some oats in the cupboard that needed using up too.

The Ingredients

• 1 cup brown sugar
• 1 cup rolled oats
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup butter, melted
• 3 cups apples - peeled, cored and chopped
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon 

Double bonus: no grocery run necessary

So I wasn't kidding about super-simple, especially when you account for one of my favorite kitchen tools:

Bloomin' apple

I ended up using four of these little guys, after cutting away the bruised and otherwise yucky bits. I didn't bother peeling them, and it didn't hurt the finished product at all. (I basically never peel apples. I kind of dig the added texture from the skins.)

So now, dump the first four ingredients into a bowl and stir.

Your dishwasher will thank you!

Half of that gooey goodness goes into the bottom of a buttered 8" pan. Then a layer of apples. I tried to put them in there all pretty and photogenic too. Hahahahahaha, yeah, that failed.

Next comes the white sugar. I only used about a quarter cup though. And even at that, it was starting to look like Al Pacino's desk at the end of Scarface. I did want to taste some apple, after all. Then cinnamon, then the other half of the batter.

Once again, I could almost eat this right now! Patience...

Into a 350 oven for 45 minutes, and here's what comes out.

Could it be? A baking success?

Well almost. There's one clear, egregious oversight visible here, and that's the shameful lack of vanilla ice cream. Guess I'll be running to the grocery store after all.

It'll be worth it.

The verdict: delicious, and I'm not missing the extra sugar even a little. The oats are admittedly kind of weird, a bit of chewy amongst the crispy. It's kind of like an extra gooey apple oatmeal cookie, if I tell the truth.

Gotta go now. That ice cream isn't going to buy itself.

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In a Fit of Lunacy

It always starts so innocently - in this case, with a pint of strawberries just too perfectly red and ripe to pass up. The madness escalated with the discovery of a soft, fluffy goat cheese from a local farm. I tried these together, and they made a marvelous snack. Marvelous, but not perfect.

I craved crunchy, and no mere cracker or cookie would do. Chocolate, that would be the ticket, and crispy, but not too sweet, and...

Biscotti!

Now that's lunacy. Long-time readers know I'm no pastry chef. Not being able to taste and adjust at the last minute freaks me right out. But I was determined, and Chef Google pointed me to this double chocolate biscotti.

The Ingredients

• 1/2 cup butter, softened
• 2/3 cup white sugar 
• 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder 
• 2 teaspoons baking powder 
• 2 eggs 
• 1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour 
• 4 (1 ounce) squares white chocolate, chopped 
• 3/4 cup semisweet chocolate chips 

All of which I happen to keep around pretty much all the time.

Except white chocolate, which, let's be honest, wouldn't survive an hour under my roof.

My baking paranoia makes me pretty disciplined about following the instructions on these things. Plus, twice-baked fancy European cookies? That's a frighteningly more complex project than I've ever tackled. 

Anyway, butter and sugar, into KitchenAid the Great.

Looks "light and fluffy to me"

Next came the cocoa powder, which y'all may be aware has a fine, fairy-dust like consistency. Which in turn led to a choking cloud of chocolate despite my care in adding it to the bowl. In short, I recommend a drywall mask.

At this point I should also note I was sorely tempted just to scuttle this whole idea and spread that chocolate-sugar-butter wonder on some toast. Cuz I'm classy like that. Instead I threw in the baking powder right quick, thus committing myself to the follow-through.

This, I figured, would be the only sucky part: stirring in the flour by hand. And yeah, it sucked...

Turns out Teflon spoons are super-bendy

Until I remembered I bought a dough cutter in a previous fit of lunacy involving biscuits. (Sensing the theme here?)

Muuuuch better!

Here's where the "double" part of double chocolate goes in (and I pedantically reflect on how it should really be "triple" chocolate if you add the white...)

Oh for Pete's sake just cook, woman.

Things got intense for a while, as I mixed in these chips and then rolled the dough into logs.

I imagine this part would offer a stellar opportunity for a brave mom to involve her kids in the process, because Play Dough isn't the only dough awesome for playing. And it ain't like my grownup self didn't slop chocolate all over half the kitchen and up to my elbows. 

It was messy, is what I'm saying. But here's what I ended up with, popped in the fridge to chill for 10 minutes.

Chocolate logs. Snicker.

Note: I greased the cookie sheet with butter, because fuck Crisco. Gross. I was admittedly worried I'd have to wrestle these free, but that didn't come to pass. After 25 minutes at 375, behold...

Chocolate, speed bumps, I guess?

After cooling for an hour, I sliced 'em up like... like... Okay every metaphor in my mind right now is terrifying. Moving on.

Like this

Then back onto the cookie sheet to bake at 325, for 9 minutes on each side.

Flipping these was like finger-wrestling Satan. They were hot, is what I'm saying.

When it was all said and done I ended up with what looked remarkably like a biscotti. (I know, every Italian mother in America just gasped in horror. I beg forgiveness and offer tribute.)

Crispy, chocolatey tribute.

Despite being a Herculean feat of delayed gratification (all told the project took three hours from emptying the cupboards to boxing up the cookies), it was so totally worth it.

Maybe I'm feeling loony enough to try biscuits again...

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Mm mm peach cobbler

Hooray for summer!

Hooray, because, this is the best time of year for fresh, seasonal cooking. Tomatoes, peppers, green beans, okra -- all kinds of yummies in abundance!

This being Georgia, y'all can well imagine the peaches. I can smell them walking around the farmer's market. Sweet and tender and two-napkin juicy. And even though I know I'm running the risk of spoilage and waste, I can never resist the bursting half-peck paper bags. They call to me.

Miiisssty...

So despite the heat I was inspired to bake last night. Baking at night = not unbearably miserable. Chef Google hooked me up with this recipe for fresh peach cobbler, and get this: I even tinkered a little. I'm gettin brave y'all.

So here we go: I set out a stick of butter in a 2-quart casserole to start getting soft.

Total health food here

Then I put a huge, covered pot of water on medium. Once it was boiling I dropped in 5 peaches and let them go, covered, for 5 minutes. Meanwhile I added 1/2 cup sugar to my large mixing bowl, which got me to thinking. I bet a teaspoon of cinnamon would be brilliant in there. Only one way to know for sure right?

Looks brilliant!

When the peaches were sufficiently boiled I transferred them to a big bowl of ice water, where I left them for another 5 minutes. After that, the skins just fell off. Sweet. Then I sliced up 2 and 1/2 cups' worth, which was 4 and a half large peaches. I ate the leftover half, and gently combined the slices with the sugar mixture.

Screw the cobbler. Gimme a spoon!

At this point I turned the oven on 350° to pre-heat and set the peach filling aside for a few minutes. I sifted 3/4 cup of flour with 2 teaspoons of baking powder, while I melted the butter in the microwave.

NOTE: Here you see the biggest challenge I faced with this here cobbler. That would be finding a surface in my kitchen level enough that all the butter didn't run into one corner of the casserole.

I actually had to make shims.

Then I added a cup of sugar and 3/4 cup of milk to the flour mixture. The recipe instructs, "Pour batter over melted butter. Do not mix or stir together." So that's what I did, even though...

Is it just me, or is this kinda gross?

Then it says pour the peach mixture over the top of that. Okay... That helped...

Is it just me, or is this kinda awesome?

Then it went into the oven for about an hour. The house filled up with the cinnamon fragrance. My tummy growled like a sasquatch. And this came out:

Makes me think of church potlucks in my youth.

By the time it had cooled about 20 minutes, I could wait no longer. Into a bowl with a scoop of vanilla. I almost fell off the couch.

Oh. So. Worth. The effort.

Two things:

One, Doug promised if I made this he would try some. But he better get on the stick, because I can't stay the hell out of it. He may find it all devoured before he works up his nerve.

Two, this actually doesn't remind me of the church ladies' cobblers from back in the day. I remember a crust that was flaky and crisp, kinda pie-like. This has a cakey crust -- a lot like pancake, in fact. Which is not a complaint, just a "wonder" I guess. I wonder what kind of batter I'd need to get that old-school crispy cobbler?

Probably a really difficult one. But I'd love your suggestions!

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Devilishly delicious birthday

This is a special weekend for us. We celebrate Doug's birthday of course. But we also reflect on the night twelve (OMG, TWELVE) years ago, when we first met. The night I crashed -- that's right, crashed -- his twenty-[censored] birthday party.

Mind you, that story sounds a lot more romantic when he tells it: "she showed up on my doorstep." Awww... Whether you're grinning or gagging right now, you're probably feeling the right thing.

At the start of last week, his story was, he didn't want a birthday cake. Say what?! I would be super depressed if I didn't have a birthday cake. I insisted. He relented. "How about something chocolate?" Speak to me, baby. The language of love.

Devil's food. I could get behind that. It would mark my first foray into the world of Baker's chocolate. It would press me and the KitchenAid to our greatest challenge yet. It would be scary. It would be messy. It would be epic.

So I got myself a recipe, consulting with Chef Google, and I got to myself to work making the magic.

NOTE: By "making the magic," I naturally mean, "obsessively following the directions." Which means I don't have much to say about the process -- the recipe's author did a bang-up job of that. Why re-invent the devil's food cake, you know?

But I couldn't resist the lure of visual proof...

Print recipe, stick to cupboard

Grease & flour trusty cake pan

Boil some water

Melt butter with chocolate

Cool, drool

Measure sugar, crack eggs

Cream eggs and sugar, worship mixer

Sift dry ingredients

 Add chocolate, make mess...

...of pot

...of self

...of mixer

...of counter

...even of the freakin floor!

Add water, end up with this

NOTE #2: After I'd slung chocolate over half the kitchen, I realized, better I should put down the camera and focus on getting the dry ingredients into the bowl. Wisdom.

Add milk/vinegar mixture. Hey neato! It fizzes!

Pour into pan

Don't waste a drop

NOTE #3: Thanks, babe, for using valuable birthday time to take some chocolate action photos.

Pop into oven, take well earned break

Cool

Frost

Gobble

Devil's food cake from scratch, bitches. I don't even feel bad about gloating. Well I take that back. It was Doug's day after all. But I absolutely don't feel bad about eating cake for breakfast today. Again.

Scary? A little. Messy? A lot. Complicated? Kinda. But you know what? I wouldn't call it difficult.

I would call it delicious. And totally worth it.

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