June 07, 2014

A Banner Day of Baking

You know, you'd think one day I might submit/admit to just sucking at sweets. Today was not that day.

Attempt #1: Chocolate Oatmeal Cookies

To start with, I was stoked for this project. My sister-in-law fixes these for the colonel, and he absolutely loves them. So when I found two different recipes that looked promising, I set out to do a scientific experiment: fix a small batch of each and do a blind taste test. Little did I know...

When I opened my box of oats and found it almost empty, I should have just stopped right there.

Pictured: Not a large bowl

This doesn't do the situation much justice, but here you see only one cup of oats. Each of the two recipes calls for three cups. "Bah!" said I. "I know my measurement conversions. I'll just be even more science-y!" It was legal pad time.

Pictured: Science! (or maybe not, it turns out)

It all came out totally manageable except for the 1/6 cup of sugar and 1/6 of a stick of butter. And even the sugar was workable using a variation of the jugs-in-the-park trick from Die Hard With A Vengeance.

In case, inexplicably, you forgot

 Or in my case, measure 1/2 cup of sugar, then remove 1/3 cup from that (3/6 - 2/6 = 1/6). Eureka!

I was just gonna have to eyeball the butter, though. Anyway here's a lovely shot of the sugar, butter, milk, and cocoa bubbling away on the stove. That shit is delicious, by the way.


The only difference between the above two recipes is, one includes peanut butter, and one does not. So I did the whole process twice and set my lovely sheet of no-bake cookies aside to set. (Cue ominous music.)

They did not set.

Pictured: Not cookies

That's with peanut butter on the left, and plain chocolate on the right. I dunno, maybe I got my conversions wrong, or maybe I've angered the confection gods. Given the rest of this post, I feel like either or both are possible. Screw it...

Attempt #1: Chocolate Oatmeal Cookies Chewy Chocolate Oatmeal Bites

Yeah, that's the ticket. They really are good to eat, all gooey and chocolatey and (half) peanut buttery and tasty. But I really wanted cookies, dammit!

Attempt #2: Chocolate Surprise Cookies

This recipe is an old favorite that I've not made in ages. They're super easy and totally delicious. Just follow the link right there and have a ball.

Pictured: Not a disaster

Except, about half of them epoxied themselves to the baking sheets. I've never had that problem with these cookies before.

Pictured: More not cookies

I wonder: What's the appropriate sacrifice to appease a confection god? I'm going to say a shot of whiskey, and sacrifice it down the hatch.

Disinclined to waste such a quantity of yumminess, I pondered until I found a solution. And like so many of life's problems, that solution was ice cream.

You know where this is going.

Attempt #3: Chocolate Surprise Milkshakes

And wouldn't you know I jobbed that up too? In my defense, the last time I made a milkshake was an experiment involving Bailey's Irish Cream, circa 1997. Too much milk, the solution to which was even more ice cream -- to the extent I had to bust out these humongous glasses.

Another three cookies gave their lives for the garnish.

I can't even explain how awesome those milkshakes turned out. The whole experience reminds me of something my grade school art teacher used to say: "There are no mistakes."

At least, I guess, where there's chocolate involved.

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